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On MODIfying, Developing and Changing INDIA

There was a country, a country of spirited and adept men, finding itself in the path of recovery from the heavy blows of imperialistic pas...

Monday, July 26, 2010

Last time around i desperately took up "Rab ne" Movie for my post for two reasons.One,i liked the movie lot and said to myself that i should write about it someday,which i did.Two,i wanted to turn my attention to something else since i was absolutely in a weird mood.Anything i would have written reflecting that mindset would not have pleased anyone.So i decided to take up something which can be pacifying.But now i have decided to come up with what i am pondering over so that i say the things that has to be said.

Its said that Grief doesn't come alone.I am exactly feeling the meaning of those words now.I'm rocked by a series of things in which not even one is on the positive side.OMG !!!Not even one!!!.I'm loosing the grip on things that happen to me.Suddenly i feel everything that cheered me up is moving away from me and all the new things that I'm getting points to a dark spell..Nothing cheers me up.Can that really happen?.Can everything that happens be negative to someone.Are the things that all happens in a period of time can be bad?.Maybe I can not see the brighter side of the things these days. Maybe I am pessimistic and I am exaggerating.Maybe I am not myself these days.Or is it that  i never had an personal identity which  is now considered lost by me.

In that case Who the hell really I am?.Whats my nature and characteristics?. How would i behave and react?.Is there any predefined protocols defining my being,nature,characteristics,behavior and reaction.Are these behaviors,characters( bla bla bla)  predefined and predetermined as the  functions and attributes are defined for a program in C++.(I'm sorry i know that is a creepy example but this bloody mind can not think much more now.. :P).Has god planted a chip inside every human which has those logic that defines persons nature?.Or is it every human behaves in a random way according to the situation as opposed to the predefined attributes which possibly could have been inculcated in mind by the creator.If i do have those built in chip which can instruct me,what should i do now?.Whatever the hell is...I simply wanted to know whether i have my own set of those bla bla defined things.

All these stupid questions were thrown in when i did not know what should i do and when i can not make out  whats happening around me,to make a decision.After a bit of contemplation i thought if  i had a pattern or style of  dealing with things it would have helped me now.That is where this questions rose?.Forget about them.Let me stop these questions about my make and go to the other part.Why the hell do my mind cares and worries even then it knows that my make has the most logic-less,pompous,I-can-be-alone notion.Why the hell it tries to give a damn about excelling when i believe that i don't have to prove myself to anyone and i don't have to impress anyone.Why the hell, when i know that i have enough stupid friends(very very poor souls) who still believe that I'm clever and all that.After reading this if you think that this is why i need a psychiatrist then you are wrong,way to go Bro!. Don't jump to conclusions.

Every mind comes up with these kinda things at least once and  it doubts itself and eventually finds an answer what exactly it is or it just design a ideal mode of brain that can see through the grinds of life and settles with that.Its quite common when a person is subjected to adversities.I'm no exception.That is how it goes?.This is quite normal.

And I can reason why i thought i might need a psychiatrist as follows.Keeping all these above frets aside there is one thing i find intriguing about myself.Already as i said about my notion of not having  to prove myself to others.Why do i think i don't have to impress people when the entire world works the opposite way trying to pounce on every opportunity to make an impression which is true or otherwise.I'm no complaining here,its how it goes,its how it works.One has to do all these things to survive but the point is i don't feel like doing it when i have to do that.To a point i restrict myself from giving  an impression.I sometimes feel like trying to impress others is dirty and come up with  theories that say that people should get real glimpse of what I'm rather than a possible false impression.Why do i think i need not prove myself to anyone and it is enough if i prove Who am i to myself.

Where the hell do i get this good for nothing theories from?. Why i think differently the other way around,why can't i accept and pursue the general  custom.Why i don't come to terms with a thing which is by and large easily acceptable to others.In short why my mind doesn't work like an ordinary brain?.Is there anything wrong with it?.Hell man,There it goes...Do i need a psychiatrist to wire it up?

You end up thinking like this when you are battered and pushed to ground.You have two choices in the times of dilemmas one,you can quietly accept whatever happens and hope for things to turn brooding inside feeling like loser who can't do anything.Two,to take the things on hearing your inner voice and risk everything even it might lead to a disaster and feel good like a fighter who enjoys the defeat since he knew he gave it everything he had and tried his best.(yeah i know its bit of dramatic.Bit of overdose..He he..kindly tolerate this one :P :P).

Which one should be chosen?.Should i choose to be a normal one in a million and get diluted in the ocean of just another human and act perfectly like others loosing my identity.Or should i ascertain my notion of being unique keeping my individuality and identity even though this might be perceived by others as stupidity and moronity.Predicament  like this either make one very strong or it completely cripples you.But this recent installment(yes,it comes regularly like this now and then..Funny...)has given me a lesson.You know what you want in life when you are given what you don't like.That has exactly happened to me now  reckon.Whatever!!!.I know like hell what i want in life.(pretty tough way to learn really).

My Notes:
Another June&July Goddamn it.I see a peculiar pattern here in my life,always some thing  happens in my life which is a turning point(usually not a pleasing one ) .But it it ends up on a pleasant note every Feb after reaching the peak by Dec and Jan)..Ohhh!!!..C'mmon i sound like a astrologer,i know that but can't help.Its been the trend for the past four or 5 years.(This is also i think i need a psychiatrist..For this loony habit of finding patterns..:P :P.. he he)...Seriously speaking at least half of all this can be justified with the things that are happening.I see a lot of changes happening in life which are not pleasant as i said already.People move away,life brings big turns and twists,above all i feel like some one else devoid of my usual self.Forget about it.Things will turn.Evvvalavo panitom idha panna matoma...

Finally i just started writing something else and it ended up this way.I just kept it since it was dramatic and emotional like T.V serial.Especially the last 2 paras were quite extreme.I think i got better in gioving build ups..:P ;P ..(Hope it doesn't bore like T.V serial).It will be one more heart breaker.God!can't take it so pls Don't think that way.

I dedicate this to all who are in the verge of thinking that they are turning mad.cheers buddy!!!..You are about to touch greatness..At least as a different nuts of course...(he he..that is people who turn others mad by these kinda theories...)

Hope it interests you for the style of narration and presentation if not the content.If you wanna abuse just feel free...Ada vazhkaila idhellam sagajamappa..Its all in the game.


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