It is said that an examined life is not worth living.It is important for us to think over the path we tread on and think about what we do once in a while.We can not be right all the time and even if we are right it is always good to fine tune our approaches and our way of life once in a while.In one such moment recently where the examination gave bizarre views no matter in whatever perspective I thought I had to ask only one question at the end and that was "Should I stop blogging?". That was not just my whim and the subject just did not come out of nowhere but it was a well scrutinized thought lingering on my mind for sometime for a number of reasons.
The pain- in blogging- is at its excruciating best when you sit before the computer all day to write something and you just manage nothing.End of the day,the gift of that nothingness on the paper is a sheer bloom of guilt and overpowering angst.The guilt is like something that you feel during exam days which is best described as Exam-eve Syndrome characterized by an anxiety that is always in the back of the mind saying I-have-to-read incessantly, no matter whether you like to read or not.Guilt and necessity like that in writing turns into a defiance after some days of this doing-nothing game.It gives an impression that writing is not fun anymore and it feels like writing is a heavy labor.Eventually mind tends to looks for excuses for not writing.
In the past 3,4 months my writing experiences has been such a turmoil where I am torn between this defiance to write and my unshakable urge to write.Oddly both this urge and the defiance can be attributed to the same thing,that is,genuine inspiration.My approach of late has been such that I don't write unless I get an inspiration, unless I am taken in by an idea and moved,gripped and swept across by it. A quote from Inception can help explain the process, Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed, fully understood sticks to the mind firmly.Such an idea,unless it is given a shape and form wrecks havoc inside and corrodes the mind.The only relief for this is to give it a shape and put it on paper.This process is important and I should not go about writing as a habit or routine and practice it.When I do that,when I sit in front of a computer at a specified time and write, it is more of a exercise and not a creative process.
So I just insanely wait for the idea to occur and occupy my mind.(And the wait is nothing but a masqueraded guilt of not writing).Of course the prize that I pay for this theory of inspiration is being idle without writing for a long time.(I have unconsciously picked up lot of such bad habits lately).To give an example My notion of inspiration is worse to the extent that I have decided to write a short story in January and it was fully formed,complete in my mind at the end of February but I have not penned it down still.The reason I give to myself is that I am not getting the right narration.I say to myself that writing is not only about the plot and the flow of story and scenes but also about the right words, sentences.I mean story is nothing but a collection of right sentences and the sentences are nothing but the collection of right words.Each and every word has that power to influence the story.And I wait insanely for the right voice(narration) to say the story.
They say that world is so big but in my case it doesn't seem so.In one aspect if my ideas,views and mindset are constantly expanding on the other hand my world has been constantly shrinking.From a landscape of 7 continents and a population of 7 billion it has reduced to me,my family,very few friends,my blog, Facebook and finally by the way my office(can't count that out even if I want to).My activities,thinking,approach and my reasoning has been very new even to myself.They seem strange and a touch crazy.Every time I reflect on this I have to suspect my sanity and my grip on reason and sense.But when you look around you get to know that the reality is writing is a onerous task and it requires lot of solitude,silence and reflection.Introversion seems to be the mandatory prerequisite for writing.Guess I am getting used to it. Even a touch of madness is required and it is widely accepted that madness under control is creativity and that the intermediate level between a normal person and a mad person is being an artist.It is said that Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.
In my case I am not sure whether I am being creative or not but definitely I am going crazy.
You might be wondering what I mean by madness which I have not given the full account of.I can say using my minimal skills that it is nothing but the over obsession and the quality of looking at things differently from a normal angle,I mean often socially not understandable or acceptable angle.In a way I might fret and complain all about this madness and solitude.But When I analyse deep I can find the reality which says change is very much part and parcel of life and instead of fighting it one should take it in his stride and make sure that the change is for the better. Moreover change stands as an evidence that something is happening in life and there is life in your life.I find the Kannadhasan's below lines very fitting about change,
காடாய் மேடாய் கல்லாய் மாறாதிருக்க
வனவிலங் கல்லன் நான்..
மாற்றம் என்பது மானுட தத்துவம்..
மாறும் உலகின் மகத்துவம் அறிவேன்...
we can say that change is the philosophy of human life and it is inevitable.So If this period is a metamorphosis I should not make a big fuss about it and take time to get used to it and if this is a passing phase then I'm bound to make sure that this gets over with least possible damage to me and those around me.Though there are things like the above to bother, I don't have an ounce of doubt that writing has broadened my views,increased my understanding of the world and even more importantly it has enabled me to understand myself better.The insight and the learning because of blogging can never be explained.It has given me maturity(not the stupid template which people follow but the mental maturity to see the world as it is) and has taught me the importance of value,principle and honesty. It has made me a better person.Apart from that the amount of joy,the sense of satisfaction and establishment that I get out of this can not be explained.And when you can get such a feel you can go through 100 times this suffering and pain.(When I see all the posts of mine from march I feel that I have not wasted time.)
As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it says Gandhi.Going by that that I should never leave blogging as it is giving me more than what you can call pleasure.I don't know what is it with me and this blog.Its kinda my first love.I mean I have 2 or 3 other blogs but I am not at all dedicated to others as much as to this.Finally I have to accept the reality that I can never keep myself off from this blog.So guess I have to keep on doing this.It has been a constant companion,my identity and my practice court.I guess,Practice court is the right analogy as I have been trying new things and different aspects of writing, testing and challenging myself every time I write a blog.Also I am not bothered about what people think as long as I improve.Hardly the criticisms(minus the feed backs and genuine opinions) aimed at bogging me and my writing matters to me.As Paulo Coelho(one of my role models in writing ) says , Learning how to write by reading critics is like learning to make love by mail.
So I absolutely don't heed what others say.When you listen to the silly complaints and unfair criticisms you never grow and accomplish anything.More over a good writer is one who writes no matter what others say and no matter whether others reads it or gives him compliments or they accepts it.He writes for himself.He is a writer just because he writes no matter what happens.I am not sure whether I am one such but I am trying to be one like that.It is impossible to discourage the real writers - they don't give a damn what you say, they're going to write.I feel that god has given me a gift in the form of writing and I do not need Nostradamus to say that I have makings for a writer.It will be a shame and I am not doing justice if I do not make it big given what has been endowed upon me and most importantly for the amount of hard-work and time that I have put for writing.So no stopping me from blogging..It goes on and on...(Sorry to frustrate those who got happy seeing the title..Hard luck I am gonna get you guys pissed of as usual.. :P :P ).Blogging is equivalent to oxygen to me.
People think that I am joking around and they fail to see that this is a very serious business to me and not a mere fooling around.(When I wrote a love story long back by December many friends thought that I was trying to get some girl's attention and it was a cheap flirting.But they don't know what I am upto).As a matter of fact all the above craziness, solitude of late is a part of my efforts to conceive few of the stories that I got ideas for which I believe will push in the direction of realizing my dreams.(All the build ups on writing are actually kinda because of that as it was bit draining frankly.)I have ideas for like 5 or 6 stories.But I am not sure when I will write them as you are aware of my notion of finding the right voice to say those stories.One thing I can say is that there is a big surprise waiting for you guys when I finish one of them.That story will take me to the level of writing medium and will kinda upgrade my blog.