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On MODIfying, Developing and Changing INDIA

There was a country, a country of spirited and adept men, finding itself in the path of recovery from the heavy blows of imperialistic pas...

Monday, January 02, 2012

It is customary for me to write a New year special post every year.Except last year where I felt that I have given a tad too much of perspective to my personal life earlier that year on my blog and I decided against the idea.On the contrary this time I felt its not a bad idea to provide a over dosage of my domestic life than to leave this blogosphere dry and barren for long.So here I am to look back the year that went by and to streamline all my expectations, plans and aspirations for the year that is blooming at its own pace in front of us.Exactly a year back If had been writing this I would have said that I underwent numerous experiences and I had seen everything that included good,bad,triumph,defeat,delight and depression in the year that passed by.But here as I bid adieu to 2011,I am not sure whether I can say the same as the occurrences doesn't form such an assortment of variegated experiences. Not a lot of things happened.Yet whatever happened has proved intense,deep and in a sense enriched.

2011 started somewhat ok and January was not bad except for the horrible Pongal experience where I had to stay back in Chennai alone instead of going to my native.But that is part and parcel of the game. I don't wanna complain about it.No big deal.And as days passed then came February which should fall under the one side of the extremity that I referred earlier. It was a period where life was a living hell and thousand things ran through the mind all the time.Simply two questions formed the reason for all the lunacy,stress that are "Future?" and "What/why am I doing whatever I was doing?". Issues started cropping up (or I perceived it did or I created it) from all ends and I felt as if I was being choked from all fronts and by every single person.I was distressed to a level that I mulled over leaving my job.Leaving a job? What's the big deal about it,you might ask.

Well,it was a big deal for me having drifted away to irrelevant spheres after finishing graduation and finally tumbling on the right track by sheer coincidence.The best part is the irony of the episode as this is the same job which seemed like a blessing that enabled me to feel secured and assured myself, suddenly transformed to a horrible curse.Added to that it was only 8 months that I joined where I was serving a service agreement of 18 months.In that scenario leaving a job meant fighting Spartans in Sparta without shields.And finding another job? It was too far a call for a Skillful(?) :P guy like me sans experience.An attempt to capture that despair in words would be futile.

More than the job(somebody doing a job for the sake of doing it is nothing new and of course people getting to do what they are passionate about is the only thing to be surprised about) I think the way I looked at the situation was the reason for all these gloom.But my inbred inclination and desire to see something as it is,did not help me in anyway and my pragmatism played a big part which is to be blamed.I thought,If everything is really messed up what is the point of making myself believe that all is well and convince myself that everything will be alright. One part of me nursed my ambitions of writing and the other part elevated my uneasiness with my job.These two did not go well with each other and it created a honest hatred not only on my job or my management or my company but on the entire corporate set up and its working.(Some points in this post are as a result of these things I guess.)

Literally I was torn between what I "wanted-to-do" and what I "had-to-do".A battle was raging on between the right-thing-to-do and wise-thing-to-do.The question of why am I doing it when I don't like created more problems for myself and I was left feeling guilty.The  question will be like as follows,

Mind: Is the bond stopping you?
Me:  Hell,no.They won't cut my head off  If  I break the bond.

Mind:  If not, is it the money?
Me:  No.What is the point of money when you are not happy.

Mind: Are you doubting that you can't get a new job?
Me:  Job hunting in this recession hit market is not a good idea yet I believe I can pull out a job if I really apply myself.

Mind:  So are you afraid of being jobless and the stigma that comes with being unemployed if finding a job becomes impossible?
Me:  I don't give a damn about what other people think about me.

Mind: Oh,come on.If it is not any of these then what the hell is your problem?

I did not know by then but later I figured out the reason.The reason is deep down I did not want to join another company and be content with my fingers romancing the keyboard all day typing a software program for a client in a faraway office in US and also I had developed a sort of hatred on the entire IT business as I  said earlier.Secondly,I wanted to do something that is in line with my love for writing.But then I can not embark on that as I was not sure of my skill/talent in writing(still not sure :P. But that is different).What if,if I find I don't posses enough skills in writing after leaving my job.So when I thought over, it boiled down to "surety". I did not want to do anything which I was not sure of.I was only making measured,planned strides hesitant to explore the unknown.

All said the reality is, One really needs to be heroic or idiotic and be courageous or senseless to do such a thing.I was not any of it.The inaction and cowardice which was more of a necessary cowardice proved essential to survive in the long run.Yes,for surviving it is enough but for living it's not.End of the day however necessary, cowardice is cowardice and that stressed me as well.Worst of all,during the entire episode I felt like a sulking,thoughtful adult which I hated the most.Hard lessons were thrown in and it made sure that I realize life is not at all romantic and heroic.It said,heroic ideas like "Follow your heart" and the sorts are clearly not simple and has terms and conditions of its own.

Amidst all these one might throw in a smart question.Why should not I do the job calmly until I get confident about my writing and until I make some inroads in that.Sensible,fair enough. But my nature is not such,I am naturally impatient,bit hard-headed and If I am convinced and fix my mindset, I could not bring myself to do something I don't like.May be I lack the restraint or discipline to force my mind.But that is what I am.So doing a job I did not like was a brutal excersice for me and it was out of question.It is like living with a wife whom you married against your wish.Every moment you spend with her is a time spent in agony.

Moral of the story: Don't try to be surefooted always,sometimes risks have to be taken. Sometimes you have to explore the unknown to improve you and your life. Secondly, making a grave mistake is better than inaction.Hesitancy and fear of defeat will not help.In life sometimes what one does without thinking much makes them what they are.Too much of thoughts can cloud your vision.

End of the day,coming to grips with the fact that I am leading a meaningless life and I am deceiving myself killed me more than any real issues.Given such a situation friends and family are supposed to heal your wounds.But here they did not abate the agony instead they only magnifiedit.And in those times I was like ready-to-explode-anytime.All I need is an edge,a reason to simply to get into the mood.Once it was done I will go on and on.One such made me to write this.(That should give a fair idea of what I say).In a short time noting how brutal my behavior was I started to sever my social interactions and spent more time on blogs,my new found passion of writing stories,watching more movies etc.

But eventually after a period of month or two I no more felt the same way about the job or my life.It was not because I developed a liking or I was resigned to my fate.It was simply by consciously brushing aside the thoughts on the subjects like future,job etc.Ignorance is a bliss they say and I was experiencing the meaning of it.I would stay ignorant or deceive myself by focusing on FB,books and movies as sitting in a corner doing nothing brought these questions. All said and done,I think that period of two months was necessary.It added a new dimension to me and changed my ideas.Also I came to know or I realized a thing or two about myself. First I was skeptical about people(or even me) considering myself good. I understood the fact that I am not good as not doing something bad doesn't make one a good soul.Only doing something good makes people good .Not doing anything bad or good is being neutral that is being a mere human.

Secondly,I realized that by nature I am endowed with a good brain and with regard to emotions I am cold.Nonetheless, what I was doing all these days was trying to be emotional and sentimental forgetting the presence of an organ called brain.(I can't recall the last time I used my brain or applying it anywhere.Of course how the hell I would write a blog post of this sorts if the brain was active :P).It was more or like Einstein's theory of a fish that tries to scale its skill by the measure of how well it can climb a tree.I got the moral that I should be doing what suits me than following what was said in general.

Though the first part of the year was such a pain,things started to turn by May and by the year end I was pretty relaxed and calm.I learnt to bury the demons and pushed them to a momentary slumber if not I had exorcised them completely.And towards the end I was completely submerged in the alternative reality that I created for myself like the ones schizophrenics creates themselves to escape harsh realities.(You now know why I was not blogging or very much available for the past 2 months :P).Honestly I don't mind anything as long as I have some fun and I don't go crazy.In such a kind of eventful testing year I also had my fair share of euphoria.

One of my story getting picked in the Top 50 of pomegranate short story competition was one such.The results are yet to be announced for the competition yet it is a high point for me to get featured in the top 50 given my kindergarten level story writing experience.But having said I guess the hard-work has paid off.Ironically that particular story was written exactly on Jan 1st 2010.I did not take bath nor did I move out of my system all day simply spending the entire time in writing.I think that start on the first day made the rest of the year productive writing wise.I can't be happy more than this.In addition had a fun time with friends as usual i.e when I was not made to sulk :P .

Looking ahead,I don't have many new plans for 2012.I have identified few things which are slackening my advancement and looking to route out them.Yeah,things like spending lot of time in FB being one such.FB,movie watching almost killed my time which I should have spent fruitfully.Its good that I don't spend time in chatting a lot which will gobble up time and I am looking forward to continue that.In addition I want to loose all my inhibitions and be myself(its highly difficult but yet I will try) and speak my mind.In these lines one more thing I want to change about myself is to let go of relationships that are not working.Meaningless expectations and false beliefs will only cause pain.I don't afford to build castles in air in this regard.Time to wake up I guess.Other than that looking forward to chill out with my buddies and party in FB(within a specific limit)  as usual.Apart from that I hope I carry the confidence and writing skills in writing blogs to story writing which I think will be phenomenal.My language skills are dipping and I am finding it increasingly difficult to write.Looking forward to improve it.

So at this time burying all the pains,hiding all the frustrations I open my arms to embrace the new year as a gesture of offering a warm welcome.Let the year take everyone an inch closer to their respective dreams spreading love and happiness in its course and if it has to inflict pain and frustration let us hope that it is worth a important lesson and bargain a rich experience out of it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL WHO STOOD BY ME AND THIS BLOG.Me,this blog is nothing without you.Thanks for the support and expecting the same as well in the years ahead. :)

On the outset of it,this post might look like another brooding except that it is not.Always the moments that are closest to the heart and the moments in which you live your life to the fullest are retained by the brain in the form of memory.If these are what I remember from 2011 then they are the moments that count.Yes,I feel the 'real' me during such moments and the insights they provide about myself and my life is unmatched.If I risk writing this not bothering about judgement people are going to make about me then it should be for a simple reason that I don't want to forget this and I badly need to record the year.So that's about it.If there is anything that is really worth worrying then it should be that I did not find a girlfriend even in 2011.Pray that I get one(well,not just any one but someone of my range :P.If it is just anyone then why the hell am I waiting? ;)) so that she hears all these blabs which will spare you guys next year.Think about it hard. :P


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