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On MODIfying, Developing and Changing INDIA

There was a country, a country of spirited and adept men, finding itself in the path of recovery from the heavy blows of imperialistic pas...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A letter is supposed to have a salutation.But here I am desperately giving it a miss for couple of reasons. First,this is not a regular letter that people write to friends and family or to apply for jobs.Rather,it is a love letter.So who cares if it complies to standards or procedures. Secondly,the real reason which I guess is, I am not sure how to address you.I thought of "Hi" but it was too cliched, then I considered "Dear" which sounded too intimate.I eventually had to drop that as we hardly have spent enough time together.Then my mind suggested "My love" which was definitely out of question.I may be crazy but not juvenile to use something like that even though my mind deep down wish I could use it.

I know this is eyebrow rising.May be you are muttering under your breath how dare I was and have I gone crazy? If you are,then take a break to know as a matter of fact that I am also asking myself the same questions.I never planned on any of it and everything just happened.I spent time thinking that this will eventually pass.But it never did.I was pushed to make it pass and here I am.I said that this letter is about love.Yes,a typical love letter in all aspects except that it is not meant for a proposal.If so,asking what am I writing this for would be a sensible question. I guess its because of the fact that this is my last option to make the feel pass,a small ray of hope to get over you.

Yes,you heard me right. I write this so that I can end this and move on.I could have kept on saying to myself and deceive that this is a mere crush or a delayed teenage attraction and continue to drag this game of hide and seek.Or I can face the reality, infer from the signs, accept the facts, weigh the practical considerations and see the truth as it is. I chose the second after figuring out that erecting castles in air based on coincidences will only make matters worse and to stand up and face whatever the reality would be sensible.

But how do I do? I did not know.How would I ever stop noticing your imaginary double's projection whom I find everywhere,every time.How would my brain ever refrain from loading your memories. Aren't you the first and last thought of my mind everyday? Tough call. Unfortunately there isn't much help from outside too.If I look back, all through the human race there has been no better method suggested to get over a girl than to surrender oneself to the vicious claws of liquor which I am completely against.You see,I am different. May be not in a positive way but sure that I am not one of those regular guys to believe in liquor,growing beard etc.

So I had to look for an alternative and this idea struck me.Wouldn't it ease the anxiety if I talk about this with someone? Yes,saying things out unloads the weight that you are carry on your chest. But whom do I talk to? Parents are a very bad option to discuss especially when you want to get over a girl .Friends,may be? But they will say different things out of care which will end up confusing me in turn.They love me but they can not see through my eyes,they can not feel through my heart.Shouldn't I be the one eating if my stomach feels hungry? Then who can it be? After sometime someone unexpected whom I can discuss this with came to my mind. Guess who?

It is You! Yes,who can be the best person to talk about this than you.But I was not sure whether I will be comfortable in exhibiting my inner feelings to you in person.If so,why don't I write? And without any second thoughts,I picked up a pen and paper in the hope that I will have my mind up and working while writing so that I be a bit smart.But my heart completely took over and may be because of that things may be blunt and overtly candid. Don't mind. Let me add another thing,wise or stupid, I made a decision to write but all through some sort of guilt pricks me for troubling you for my selfish reasons.

Spare me an apology if you could.But what choice do I have.I did not plan anything, I did not even imagine the possibility.It just happened.It was never like,"I saw you,I was impressed,I developed a feel for you and wanted to be in love".To your credit you are good looking but frankly I don't think you are the most attractive girl I have come across.You were nothing like my idea of a dream girl.Neither did we share a great rapport which turned slowly into love.Yet it is a wonder and I don't know still how I developed a soft corner for you.A line from a movie,Pyaar sirf ho jaatha hai (Love just happens) which I always considered a romantic rubbish might come to my rescue here.

In retrospect,it looks all magical and stupid at the same time.Suddenly one day you looked different.There was something about you,something very intriguing and I felt drawn to you.I knew something was wrong and told myself that its just an attraction or may be a crush.I gave it sometime.But sooner I started seeing more than one reasons to believe that this was more than a mere attraction or even crush.I was not crushing the crush instead you were crushing my heart and it was getting stronger.It didn't seem a good sign.Someday I did not want to find myself irrevocably in love and that taking no for an answer was not at all an option for me.Moreover when you are a guy who believe love happens only once in life it doesn't help.Burning all the bridges did not seem wise and I wanted to give myself a chance.

I wanted to getaway and I came up with some crazy exercises.I would try to convince myself that you are not the one for me and that I can get a better girl.I would compare some random girl that I come across on the road with you and persuade my mind that her smile was pleasing than yours, pick up another girl and say that her eyes were much brighter and magnetizing than yours.This routine loops over with assortment of comparisons like someone looked more fun comparing your serious persona,someone's waving hair was better than yours,someone was more stylish than you,someone had a nice accent than you and someone's voice was nicer than yours.All day goes like that and I will feel happy for successfully turning my focus away from you.It seemed to start working out but actually it never did.

When I crash on to the bed on nights those smiles,congenial demeanor,waving hairs, symphonic accents, stylish looks and voices will be crushed to pieces and all that occupies my mind will be that someone's memories whom lost out to every random girl in every aspect during the day.That girl was not beautiful but she was managing something that even the world beauties failed to do which is to steal my sleep.End of the day I will find that my attempts are down the drain.I took another route.That is to avoid you,your thoughts to be precise. When someone faces danger the usual response can be either flight or fight.I chose flight which seemed easy.I invented a way to cheat myself by forcing my mind to dislike you without reasons.Shutting out your thoughts,avoiding interactions with you were part of the plan.

They say that the world doesn't become dark when you close your eyes.As such feeding the mind with hatred could not erase what I felt for you.And a day came where I clearly realized, understood and knew by heart all that was happening to me and saw things as they are than how I wanted to.Epiphany was just a word before but not after that.I knew there was no looking back.By then I felt embarrassed about my knowledge on love.I wondered how much the external entities and opinion of others governs us.How much they deceive us into believing about what love and life really is? How well other people put their word on our mouth and make us say things which we never had any idea of.How these films,pop songs and novels of today adulterates an individual's idea of love?

What a hogwash those meeting of eyes,electrifying touches,the magical love from the very minute they come face to face in movies had been.Had I believed in those things perhaps I would not have been doing this stupid thing of writing this letter as I never saw anything in your eyes than your blue iris.I would have convinced myself that whatever I felt for you was just a school boyish crush or a mere teenage-like attraction and got over you.Would have been good for both of us.But unfortunately I saw or rather I was shown the stupidity behind those things that was dumped in front of us as love.

The more I figured out about what love is,the much the feel I had for you looked meaningful. I understood that love is not seeing someone dashing on a fine morning and finding yourself overwhelmed with a sense of joy,emotions.It is not about inventing someone while treading a new path.But it is about discovering that someone whose path is intertwined with yours,who silently follows you like your shadow.It is never about the sudden rush you get but an affection that had grown over a period which has roots deep down.

Though notion of love was bogus I found that the other things relevant.It was the usual stuff shown in movies.When you are in love the world looks colorful and suddenly you find life in your life.You would have crushed tulips and gulmohars before but after you find someone even cactus looks beautiful.It did,for me.Suddenly a puppy running on the roadside,a toddler on a bus ride look alarmingly spectacular.Before you might have been chatting about how badly India played in cricket,how much Indian politics suck even during a visit to the Mughal garden or the Niagara falls but now even the pasture on your backyard looks beautiful. You turn into a nature lover overnight. Clouds, beaches, hills fascinate you.

You no more run for a roof while it rains but get drenched and oddly finds it pleasurable. Before Ilayaraja's songs makes you yawn but now you see what a Master Class Musician he is and You listen to only melody songs.Titanic tragedy shatters you and all the Shahrukh movies makes you cry.Your DVD collection of actions movies are replaced by dead drop romantic movies. You give a stupid smile when you hear his/her name.You are extra absent minded, forget things and be more stupid than usual.You dream with your eyes open and daydreams are the order of the day.You act too good as if you carry the legacy of Mahatma Gandhi when he/she is around.

And above all you give a trademark sheepish, disgusting(for others) smile while doing all the above.To top it all these stupid things look meaningful.I had my share too and I got to thank you for such moments.It was a nice little period like walking on an exotic beach on an orange evening.It was dream like.Not sure whether it was because of that I had to wake up after few days.You know,time is an interesting entity.It changes things over a period.It changes you,it changes others and at times it changes the world around you too.It makes mountains into deep holes and deep holes into mountains.Unfortunately the change is not always for the better.I literally bore evidence to that.

Yes the times have changed.I,no more,can deny what I feel for you.I,no more, can cheat myself and above all I can never see myself beaten down especially in love.I also don't want to close my eyes and pretend nothing is happening.But I intended to accept the truth as it is and then I am now giving up before it is too late.The world may call me a coward but I don't care if that cowardice can prevent me from being crucified emotionally.I did not want to love you and as a matter of fact I resisted falling for you once but it turned out different.On similar notes now  I hope we don't fall for each other,I hope nothing happens and there is really nothing between us.I wish this is true and it stays true forever.But do we have control over things that happens? Who knows.

I also understand the fact that there are more differences between us than anything in common.You are way out of my league and I am out of your league.We have personalities that are on opposite extremes which oddly was something that got me interested initially.I am of the opinion that an ideal couple complement each other and thus they complete each other. I believe,life will be happier with you .I know you will be the fuel to my torch of success.I said I don't see anything in your eyes than your blue iris.Yes I don't see anything magnetizing as they say in movies but I get a sense of  hope,belief and faith when I look into your eyes. Fortunately or unfortunately if you are by my side I will feel I own the world and die a happy man.Having said that I also I would like to clarify something.If nothing happens between us I am not stupid enough to sulk and ruin my life.

Sure I will be upset but I will get over you in a while.And of course if you are not in my life then I will/will have to marry some other girl.May be it will not be as bad as I imagined,may be I will like her more and we will live till the end raising children like in fairy tales.But I will miss you,there will always be a hollow,a void in my heart. Without  you life will not be complete, there will not be a sense accomplishment in me.Also If you are by my side,I don't have to set you as a benchmark and try to see your qualities in another girl whom I have to marry,I will not have to undergo the misery of comparing a girl with you every time I see a girl for commitment.Whatever,I don't know whether we are destined to be an ideal couple or not.I don't know whether I will complete you but I am sure you will complete me.May sound bit one-sided,a bit selfish but I don't care. 

May be this is stupid,may be this is not the pure harmonizing,transcendental love,may be you don't like me,may be you are already committed,may be you are just another middle-class girl who don't afford to think about love,may be you are in love with someone else but this had to be said.And by chance if we are to come face to face, for heaven's sake don't turn your face and walk off  even if you are pissed off.Just leave a smile,at least a forced artificial one because I may put up a brave face and be heroic outside but inside I am too fragile especially with loved ones.Finally I would like to apologize if anything offended you or anything proved hurtful.I did not mean it and the sheer thought was that you needed to know my feel for you,you needed to know all these,you needed to know my predicament that..

I am standing at the cliff called life...A slow poison called your memories,a slight imbalance called your smile is all I need to fall into a delightful abyss called love...I don't know whether an guardian angel awaits at the depth of the abyss with her hands extended to catch and take me to the realms of her kingdom or is it the barren rocks and stones that awaits at the depth to cushion my free falling body? I don't know..I don't know whether  is it worth my attempts and whether I should loose myself,take a risk of falling into it Or am I supposed to walk on the known planes on the other side of the cliff that has been staying the same from the time immemorial?

I started writing this by February 12 but could not manage a nice ending for a long time.Even now I have managed something in a hurry.Actually I thought of a short story based on a love letter.The story revolves around the letter and and the outcome is this.May be after someday I will expand this up and use it for the story.That's about it.Other speculations are welcome and the post is open to interpretations.Do people ever believe if the truth is said? :P
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